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Tuesday, 24 April 2012

wanna know why everything fucking sucks? why I complain all of the time? why I'm going absolutely fucking insane?

I have a verbally and emotionally abusive father who has on more than one occassion called me a bitch, told me to leave and never come back, threatened to take away everything (I mean everything) from me, called me a bitch, told me I make up my problems, called me ungrateful and dense, ridiculed my eating disorder and doesn't talk to me unless he needs to tell me these things about me or I did something wrong. If I do something right, that means he won't acknowledge me.

my mother is an emotional wreck who used to be there for me when I was little but has been drinking excessively and crying hysterically ever since she recovered from her brain aneurism and her mother died. I am not being harsh on my mother. I am just mourning the loss of the mother I used to have. I absolutely LOVE my mother more than anything in this world, but she has become a distant shell of herself and I am absolutely positively terrified she will completely fall off the wagon and my whole family will suffer because my deadbeat fucking excuse for a father quit his job so he could just sit his fat ass around the house smoking pot all day and pretending he's working by fucking blogging.

oh honey, this is just the mother fucking TIP of the iceberg.

I am not close to any extended relatives except for perhaps my uncle on my father's side, but my father did a good fucking job estranging my uncle's family from my family because just because HE doesn't like his brother means NONE of my family can see him. HE FUCKING CAME UP TO OUR HOUSE TO TAKE CARE OF MY SISTER AND I WHILE MY DAD DID FUCKING NOTHING BUT PERFORM THE "PAY ATTENTION TO ME I FUCKING DESERVE ALL OF THE ATTENTION WHILE MOM IS BRAIN DEAD IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL" GAME, MY UNCLE WAS THE BEST DAD I EVER HAD.

My other grandmother is going to die soon, I don't know what will happen to my grandpa, I miss my dag who lives at home who has been the only real satisfaction in my life, I can't get a boyfriend, I binge/emotionally eat and I don't think I can stop, I am the fat friend after working so fucking hard to be skinny, my roommate cares about herself and her own problems, and I get it, you life fucking sucks which I why I've always been there for you, but how could you fucking ignore me and avoid me when I show that I'm not always fucking smiles and rainbows all of the time and when I cry I want someone to tell ME it's okay instead of being abandoned.

I HAVE NO FRIENDS HERE AT COLLEGE WHO I AM INTIMATELY CLOSE WITH. ALL OF THEM ARE FAKE AND DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT MY PROBLEMS. I AM THE FUCKING FRIEND WHO LISTENS AND CARES BUT I NEVER GET IT IN RETURN.

fuck.

FUCK MY LIFE.

I just can't fucking STAND it

all of everything I've done was to please everyone and I don't even know what would ever make me happy because I don't think their approval would change anything.. It would just make me sick.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

intake
crackers with margarine (150)
stuffed bell pepper (200)
fruit snacks (80)
carrots (35)
total: 465cals

TAKE THAT.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

I've been doing well off and on, but it won't give me consistent results. I still have a tendency to binge in the evenings - it's like my control just disappears. Anyone know how to control binging better? Especially for bad cases of binging, like me? Please help.

Thursday, 05 April 2012

I became the girl I wish I'd never become - the one who got fat after high school. I was so skinny and I bet everyone just thinks I just let myself go.. which isn't a stretch of the truth, unfortunately.

that's going to change, though. I'm sick of seeing my fat self in the mirror and hating myself when I know I've done it before and I can do it again - I can be skinny and pretty again.

you wait and see.

intake
oatmeal (130)
banana (80)
trail mix (150)
special k fruit crisps (100)
half of a cup of coffee with half&half (15)
turkey sandwich on wheat (275)
mini size chocolate low cal frozen yogurt [met a friend and she said she was buying me one whether I wanted it or not...still not an excuse, I guess] (75)
total: 825cals

that seems like a lot now that the past two days I've done under 700cals..

Wednesday, 04 April 2012

I ate an apple after I posted my intake last night so +50. Still good, though.

banana (80)
special k fruit crisps (100)
coffee with half&half (30)
trail mix (150)
small green salad (120)
granola bar (160)
jelly beans (oops) (30)
total: 670 cals

also biked everywhere today, so a total of about an hour and fifteen minutes doing that. made me realize I'm really fucking out of shape!